1. Soft kisses and touches around the neck, chest, and groin area are sexy; sedating
an unwilling donor is sexier.
2. To dream of paddling a canoe on a calm stream is sexy; to dream of rotten eggs is
3. 85 pounds of explosives are sexy; 30 vials of plague bacteria are sexier.
4. New York State’s death penalty law is sexy; a complimentary bottle of N.Y. State
wine is sexier.
5. Wild death zombie robots are sexy; a werewolf-like hand clutching a
dismembered bleeding head is sexier.
6. Several fundamental constitutional guarantees are sexy; sexual intercourse between
two unmarried persons is sexier.
7. A face like a frying pan is sexy; a face like a barn door is sexier.
8. Pigs in space are sexy; bugs in food are sexier.
9. Sinking the sausage is sexy; sinking to the bottom of the sea is sexier.
10. A suspicious number of sick days is sexy; a flat, firm, sexy stomach is sexier.
11. Hibernating in a flotation tank is sexy; settling for ordinary strength trainers is
12. Sewing little labels onto your clothes is sexy; exercising in fields or meadows
where irritating grasses and weeds grow is sexier.
13. Intolerable ruffians are sexy; palace eunuchs are sexier.
14. Jesus holy shit Christ is sexy; holy fucking shitballs are sexier.
15. Hanging onto a job like the Pope is sexy; bringing home camels and other odd
mammals is sexier.
16. God’s wishes and pet fishes are sexy; the turds of various birds are sexier.
17. Sexual failure is sexy; irregularly shaped slices of pizza are sexier.
18. Kissing toast is sexy; khaki trousers are sexier.
19. Terrorizing a desert town is sexy; receiving a superhero suit and promptly losing
the instruction booklet is sexier.
20. Unleashing a creature that feeds on electrical power plants is sexy; quitting the
FBI after one last adventure is sexier.
21. Great leaders are sexy; attaching electrodes to their genitals is sexier.
22. Scrooge McDuck is sexy; Peking duck is sexier.
23. A giant rat is sexy; an unholy big-ass snake thing is sexier.
24. Pumping a plunger up and down vigorously about a dozen times is sexy; hearing a
“pffft, pffft, pffft,” or a “tick, tick, tick” sound is sexier.
25. Rolling over in your grave is sexy; spinning in your grave is sexier.