Jack Kimball – Creep

Jack Kimball


Being short’s a start.

Tall guys are better pick-ups and sex commandos or scoundrels, while runts
are more naturally creepy. Shorter is better being a creep.

Then there’s the cult of the squish factor.

Choose a target and squish it right in there. Get it right, you can skip
marriage and head straight to divorce and settlement. Shower attention on
her until she feels like an object. Even creepier! turn yourself into a fake
queer and target a real lesbian or gay guy. How effortless is that?

The best sex is not straight. Women who keep a man get it. I’ve known plenty
who deal a gay poker match.

And I’ve hung around gay porn stars — half of them play kind of fake — and
the cutest keep doing what are called triple flips. They work guys over for
a living, lock heads with a steady lady after work, and fool around on the
side! It’s like the world outdoors, in offices and non-porno places where
average adults interact, because after a time everything shows you where it
hurts as if you’re suavely fucking it over. Or maybe it’s just you.

Ok. Stop paying 99 cents per song. The kicker is buckets of attention, as
noted. And peer pressure, evolved. You should be shameless in this
stratagem. Hold your lady or gay mark tight. Kiss him in public. Lick his
boots in front of friends so he thinks you don’t care. Make him feel amused
and warm.

I’m going to put in here, relax, all my exes.

If you’re self-conscious o sonneteer o apocryphal offense-taker o empurpled
former stud you can’t be a successful creep.

Attend to the mark’s humiliation. Crush his every little feeling. In a
phone-call as you’re piling it on, cry or scream or both, and hang up. This
will be a great first date, because he’ll like you before he notices how
good-looking you are.

Profit from his embarrassment, but eschew connoisseurship.

Continue reading turbulent ferry. Cut and wear magazines. Tear shreds of
feeling to barhop about the Castro. Emphasize after the fact your sexual

Repeat (to yourself) ‘he’s not much to me.’ When you date, go at things
rationally, delicately shuffle, and look at things down low and separately.
Stay good to go.

Breakup sex, the movie is huge.

I never said that. Mid-sentence.

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