[…]


Gary Sullivan

Larfing It Up

a BeatlesTM

Scene 1: Liverpool.

JOHN [pulling on his leather pants]: Look, lads: I’m ’avin a larf!

PAUL: Cheeky leg-pulling … mad looning …

GEORGE [strumming listlessly]: Where’s my goddamn offering?  Where’s my foocking
gift?  I’m not foocking selfless!  You people make me sick.  Where’s my foocking loot?

RINGO: That’s a strange little ditty, innit?

JOHN: Who are you–daft Bobby Dylan zoomin it over heads an inta faces while
everyone else breaks oop?

GEORGE: I’m now banging my fist against my chest … hardcore, baby!  I’m in Princess
Mononoke Mode!

PAUL [tinkling the ivories]: This is the greatest foocking movie ever …

GEORGE [trashing the hotel room]: HIGH ROAD?!? … comes over and FOOCKING
tells me that they’ve been over FOOCKING charging my dental plan for the past 3
FOOCKING years, and now they FOOCKING owe me FOOCKING money!

RINGO [another bong-hit]: … on the floor in a puddle of my own urine …

[BRIAN EPSTEIN enters.]

BRIAN EPSTEIN: “MBE” stands for “Mister Brian Epstein.”  WARNING: This sound
clip includes crude language!

JOHN: Hahaha!  We turned up in those head scarves and we’re having a larf …

PAUL [in “full song” mode]: “Larf it up, ye sarcastic wenches, Larf it up, ye sarcastic
wenches, SOME STUFF THAT WILL NEVER
EVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVER HAPPEN ON SORCERER HUNTERS”

RINGO [meditating]: Yer gotta larf if a Beatle does household chores for $200 a week,
that’s domestic … short pants it is four dollars …

JOHN: … dancin … avin a larf … my main interest tho is being “totally foocked up for it”

GEORGE: Where’s my Goddamn wife?

BRIAN EPSTEIN: She’s avin a larf with Alice Cooper …

GEORGE: I’m gonna shoot this place full of fucking God damn … ARgghhhhh!!!!!
Where’s my foocking dinner, bitch? … Where’s my HEAD?!

BRIAN EPSTEIN [directly into camera]: HI THERE … Time for pop culture that really
is about … pop!  Quote Brian Epstein was a comely man who grew up in Liverpool,
England unquote.  Quote Brian Epstein began to work in the family furniture store in
1950 at the age of 16 unquote.  Quote While the Beatles were in India on a meditation
tour with the Maharishi, Brian Epstein was found dead in his home unquote.

PAUL: The Brian Epstein Story certainly isn’t chock-full of details.

GEORGE: Well, somebody is giving me my foocking money back … you get me?!  Time
is foocking money!  And where’s my foocking coffee!??

JOHN [winking at camera]: You gotta larf, aintcha …

[End of Scene One.]

Scene 2.  The Ed Sullivan Show.

ED SULLIVAN: It’s when you’re really hung up on someone, whether it’s the boy next
door, your “mates on the bog,” this next song’ll soon bring him “down to earth”

JOHN: … and give you a larf, too!

[Laughter from the audience.]

PAUL: It doesn’t sound so funny on the e-mail but at the time it made us larf and larf!

[More laughter.]

GEORGE: GET OFF THE DOPE YOU WHITE TRASH PIECE OF SHIT!  My sex life’s
rockin … I reel!

RINGO: I also remember us getting raided by 219 entry and us having a larf, getting up
to all sorts on a … “little adventure”

[Laughter.]

ED SULLIVAN [confused]: Is this the “Whiskey Puppet” you were …

JOHN: Luvvy darling.  Hahaha!  Yazoo, Keb’ Mo!  Larf & sing!

[The BEATLES break into song.]

THE BEATLES [singing]: The hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking … The
hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking …

GEORGE [solo LP]: Where’s my fucking pie? … Screw you you fucking faggot …

THE BEATLES: The hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking … The hugging,
the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking …

GEORGE [solo LP]: Foock this, I want to make money! … where’s the foocking beach?

[End of Scene Two.]

Scene Three.  Recording the White Album.

YOKO [screaming into the microphone]: 7 YEAR BITCH WHOOPIE CAT 7 YEAR
BITCH REST MY HEAD 16 HORSEPOWER BLACK BUSH CLARA NUNES PEIXE
COM COCO I’M YOKO ONO AND I’MA TALKING TO THE UNIVERSE!

JOHN [nodding out]: … awesome … incrediboole … stoonning … you’ve changed my life
… *larf* …

RINGO [sotto voce, to the others]: Love an’ Yoko are the same person …

PAUL: ’Ow dare you compare Courtney to that glory grabbing bitch!

GEORGE: I wish I had my foocking pistol …

YOKO [singing softly now]: Ono … Yoko Ono … Ono … Yoko Ono …

JOHN [drug addled]: …an doon’t foorgit th’ one with Mount Splashmore … an the
Leftorium … an Timmy O’Toole in the well … that review made me larf and larf and larf
… [nods off]

PAUL [irony]: You’re avin a larf arn’t you?

[LINDA enters.] Who wants more Chunky Vegetable Pie?

[End of Scene Three.]

Scene Four.  Screen split into fourths.  Others fidget while the one monologs.

JOHN: Oo is willin to call a spade a spade and use it to dig a garden bed peace?  I am not
inta religion but I hope karma comes around and kicks ’em in the ass.  For man cannot
climb trees, dig in the ground without his woman (further advancement).  Mellowship
slinky in B minor?

PAUL: Nothing spells “convenience” like a microwave dinner made by a dead person.
While much of her fame came from being married to me, Linda made quite a name for
herself promoting vegetarianism and these meatless frozen entrees (which are quite the
hit in England).  Unfortunately, Linda’s meals may have more trouble in the USA,
because her Vegetable Burrito with Spanish Rice is a full two ounces lighter than other
brands–not good news for big fat pigs.  Another downside!  A peek at the box reveals this
dish contains 50% of your RDA for saturated fat and (ka-BOING!!) 51% of the RDA for
salt!  Jesus Foockin Christ!  What’s she trying to do?  Kill us, too?

GEORGE: Before I die I’m gonna foock me a fish!

RINGO: I would be forever on a par with Les Dennis, considered less influential than
Jimmy Tarbuck’s warm-up man, and the shit beneath … when I went on tour as a DJ.
jesus what a larf.  I hooked the coffee grinder up to a microphone and turned it up bangin
loud.

THE BEATLES [singing, with the nostalgia]: Did’n us avus a royt larf in our life?
They gray clowds upped ’n vaperated clean away as on we larfed
clowds billowed high abun an finished up crumpled an tousled roon our necks
We were avin a larf, mate … in luverly jubberly!
’Eading up Norf To make ’em larf
Mocked to wake up to the sounds of a walivatin’ soof
Piddle lig, piddle lig, ket me lum in!
Through all the chrimble here and thought you might like a bit of a larf
See 8 ’0 cocks are crowing a merry midd-larf
A wat the wilde foule boded day
The salms of Heaven will be sung
And ere now I be misst away …

THE END

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